They're Not Listening: The Dawning of the Age of Aquarius

That's a song from Hair. We do things a little different here, so read on and get used to it.

It's been 44 games in South Africa and through those games we've seen the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat. But, of course hair has a lot to do with how well your team performs. As any good coach would tell you, it's not how you play the game it's how you look. As a dedicated follower of fashion, They're Not Listening will break down a match-up between the World Cup 2010 Bad Hair Team and the 2010 World Cup 2010 Good Hair Team. I apologize for all the links but you will be able to see both teams Starting XI at the bottom of the page. Of course being a creative American coach, I'm putting both squads in a 4-4-2.

Goalkeepers

Bad Hair is much easier to spot than good Hair. In my preliminary examination three goalkeepers made the list. Those being Algeria's Faouzi Chaouchi, Italy's Gianluigi Buffon and Serbia's Vladimir Stojkovic. Choosing a starter of course was easy as Chaouchi's blunder against Slovenia kept him out of the next 2 tournament games. Buffon was hurt in the first game. The only keeper left was Stojkovic. Maybe it's the crest on the keeper kit, but despite the fact that he was able to stop a Lucas Podolski penalty kick in Serbia's 2nd game, Stojkovic's "Quest for the Holy Grail" cut bowed out of the tournament. Giving up 3 goals in 3 games.

No doubt about it when choosing, David James of England, as the starter for the Good Hair squad. He becomes one of many cornrowed players to find their way onto the squad. After subbing in more Robert Green, who sports a tidy fauxhawk, James pitched two vital shut-outs for a Three Lions that found it very hard to score on their own.

Defenders

6 players make their way onto the shortlist for each squad. For the Bad it's Argentina's Martin DeMichelis, Cameroon's Rigobert Song, France's Bacary Sagna, Germany's Philip Lahm, Japan's Marcus Tulio Tanaka, Portugal's Fabio Coentrao (you'll see his opponent in this shot later). I feel bad enough for Cameroon already, but whoever told Song the Davy Jones look was in should be revoked of speaking privileges. Sagna has to start, as he is the main contributor to this entire article. Since we need a centre-back I think we have to go with DeMichelis, little girls all over Argentina will be asking for the Martin at their local Barberia. I'm a huge Lahm fan but he's been around long enough for people to know that is not his natural hair color, we are going to slide him into the center. Tanaka sporting a samurai type do could start, Au Coentrao (get it, it's a pun) just managed to edge him out thanks to those wonderful roots.

The good are lead by another cornrowed Brit in Glen Johnson. Uruguay's Diego Lugano, Spain's Tommy inspired Carlos Puyol, New Zealand's Tony Lochhead. Those four fit the 4-4-2 well with two Spanish speakers in the middle and two English speakers out wide. Gerard Pique and Carlos Bocanegra just don't do enough to crack the starting lineup. Many call it a controversial decision, some call it a travesty to include Lugano and Puyol as the well-groomed centre back, but Lugano's Disneyesque combination of hair and eye color plus the fact his side have yet to concede a goal are the clinchers.

Midfielders

6 players find themselves on the list, including USA's Stuart Holden, Holden played 4 minutes against England, but managed to photobomb every picture of the US team in existence. Jeremy Toulalan of France, Keisuke Honda of Japan, Switzerland's Valon Behrami and New Zealand's Simon Elliot. To be fair Elliot is 36 years old and coming from a 22 year old who is already developing Landon Donovan-like power alleys. I'm excusing him from contention. Holden, Honda and Behrami all had the choice to style their hair the way they did. At 26, Toulalan should put down the Just for Men Touch of Gray and just stick with the classic Grecian Formula. Send Behrami and Holden out wide, with Honda as a CAM, Toulalan a CDM and play a diamond in the mid.

The race is on for complaints about Cristiano Ronaldo not making either team. But if I had to... I'd put him up there and not down here. Our final cornrowed player in the squad is Frenchman Flourent Malouda. While Zachary Quinto errr Cesc Fabregas of Spain and Gennaro Gattuso of Italy are paired up the central midfield by virtue of classy hair/beard combos. Finding a 4th midfielder is tough but as I said we are restricted to a 4-4-2. So in a quick bit of thinking I'm going to throw Dirk Kuyt out on the right wing. By the way Kuyt is a complete horsecrap pick, I know it. His hair is so great because he always works hard it always looks like he is working hard.

Strikers

The striker list goes on and on when it comes to bad hair. As I mentioned earlier Ivory Coast's Gervinho, who appears to have attached a Cleopatra wig on a bald head could be an option. You'd alway fancy a Drjibril Cisse spot on this list, the Frenchman's doo is not nearly as flamboyant this time around as in the past. Greece's is Georgios Samaras, Honduras' Walter Martinez and Slovenia's Milivoje Novakovic round out the list. None of these strikers have scored and none of them are going to advance into the Round of 16. I'm going to have to go solely based on worst hair. Cisse is at least creative in his hair failure and I understand that the economic crisis in Greece has meant fewer haircuts and razors to go around. But Novakovic has a bowl-cut combover and wears a headband. Unfortunately there are nor recent photos of the red and yellow highlights Martinez included in his braids. So we are going to have to go with Gervinho.

The New Zealand strike combo of Rory Fallon and Shane Smeltz clearly make the all-fauxhawk team, but putting both here might be a bit ambitous. Smeltz was able to score one of New Zealand's two goals and certainly deserves a chance to play with the other quality players on the Good Hair team. Smeltz will be paired up with Diego Forlan. Another controversial haircut decision. Forlan is my player of the tournament and with locks like that how couldn't he be included.

Jon Dahl Skywalker of Denmark misses out on both teams.

Unfortunately I can't format this so that it will look like a 4-4-2, you'll just have to imagine. In case you weren't sure I have each player listed in order.