Pitchers
and catchers report in 10 days, and I’m quite happy about that. We Cleveland
fans know that our sports teams are going to struggle but the Browns are a joke
and the Cavs aren’t even fun to watch. It means it’s time to move on to
baseball season.
25
guys will break camp from the Indians and for he most part we can predict who
22 of them are going to be, harder though is to predict what players will still
be Indians 3 years after you buy a jersey with their name on it.
So
in a couple months when you head to Progressive Field for the Home Opener as
people all shapes and sizes enter the stadium in their one size fits all
replica promotion jersey, you will undoubtedly see the following.
Girl
in a Nick Swisher jersey – She never watched a baseball game until 2013 when
all of a sudden she became an Indians fan, her boyfriend bought it for her or
else it would be pink.
 |
| Get this excrescence out of my ballpark. |
Guy
in THE Ben Francisco jersey – I know what you’re thinking this guy can’t exist? But he exist And it is THE Ben Francisco jersey not A Ben Francisco jersey , takin right off his back in the last of his 800 Indians ABs.
Rick
Vaughn, Pedro Cerrano or Roger Dorn jersey – You are hilarious and quite
honestly none of those guys are ever changing teams, so at least you won’t be
the Ben Francisco guy.… until the 4th movie comes out and Wild Thing
signs a minor league deal with the Rays and is traded to Indians mid-season for
Matt LaPorta. By the way if your jersey says “Wild Thing” on the back you’re
not even trying. A. Subtlety goes a long way, by wearing that jersey you are saying;
look at me I don’t get it. B. That never happened in the movies.
Anybody in a LaPorta jersey – Its hard to tell if
this person is trying to be ironic or just doesn’t pay attention. Until that trade to the Rays, then he’s
going to go off.
Bob Feller, Larry Doby – Ahh yes the baseball historians, those who hold on to tradition and honor the best of the best, rather than ironically wearing a Jake Taylor uni.
Jason Kipnis, Michael Brantley, Justin Masterson and
Carlos Santana – These guys say I’m an Indians fan and I’m a fan through the
good and the bad, but I’m also smart enough and fiscally responsible enough not
to buy a Ben Broussard jersey. He realizes that these four guys are the core
talent of the team and desperately hope they stay in Cleveland.
Corey Kluber, Yan Gomes, Zach McAllister –
Sabremetricians know better than to buy jerseys, players are just assets not
humans. You can’t become attached.
People in Under-Armour and t-shirts – Wear a coat
you dumbass, I know you want people to see what team you’re cheering for but
you can do that with a hat.
 |
| The goatee era |
Kenny
Lofton, Jim Thome, Omar Vizquel, and Sandy Alomar – We got that jersey for
Christmas or Chanukah when we were 9 and have worn it for every game since, be
it at the ballpark or just to watch at the bar. Stay true to yourself millennials
our time will come.
Oh yeah and for the record that Group of 8 cougars in
the bleachers with Grady Sizemore jerseys and v-neck shirts is a Bachelorette
party that was supposed to happen 5 years ago but she got pregnant and he kept drinking. But now she's celebrating independence with all 7 of her friends.
| Riddle: What fits behind a coffee mug and hasn't been used since 2008? |
